Move over, Mariah! The cheesiest, weepiest, silliest, booziest European Christmas bangers | Music

Step inside a shopping centre in Catalonia or walk around a Christmas market in the Ruhr valley right now and you’ll find it impossible to escape Brenda Lee rockin’ around the Christmas tree, or Wham! saving themselves from tears. Yet countries in continental Europe also have their own ubiquitous Christmas classics, many deserving of a wider audience. So here’s a festive hitlist, from earnest to tongue-in-cheek, from sophisticated to schmaltzy, from trad to prog rock.

France: Petit Papa Noël, by Dalida

More often than not, the secret to writing a Christmas hit is to state the obvious, even in the land of je ne sais quoi. Composed in 1944 by Henri Martinet, with lyrics by Raymond Vincy, Petit Papa Noël was popularised in its current iteration by Corsican performer Tino Rossi in 1946 and has since been endlessly covered. Dalida’s version stands out, as she imparts her soulful timbre to a song whose lyrics, quite mundanely, depict children asking Santa Claus to be generous. Rossi’s version is the bestselling single of all time in France, with more than 5.7m units sold. Dalida was no stranger to Christmas music, as she released the EP Joyeux Noël in 1960, which featured Petit Papa Noël alongside Vive Le Vent (Jingle Bells), Douce Nuit, Sainte Nuit (Silent Night) and Noël Blanc (White Christmas).

Greece: S’Agapo, by Eleni Foureira

Albanian-born Greek pop singer Eleni Foureira, whose dance-pop anthem Fuego earned her second place at the 2018 Eurovision song contest, has had an original Christmas song in her wheelhouse since 2016. S’Agapo, meaning I Love You, has the candy-cane-sweet feel (and the background instrumentation) of Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas Is You. Interspersed with Santa’s avuncular “Ho ho ho”, Foureira envisions herself getting ready for a party and ringing in the new year with her “babe”.

Ukraine: Dobryi vechir tobi, by Ruslana

Released in 2003, this version of a traditional carol (meaning Good Evening to You), is performed by singer-songwriter Ruslana, who would go on to win the 2004 Eurovision song contest with Wild Dances. Ruslana’s version, which is sentimental and solemn, contains hints of folk and hymnal music. The original has an upbeat and fast melody that matches its message, namely the spreading of the good news about the nativity of Christ and the celebration of Christmas, new year (St Basil) and the Epiphany.

Sweden: Tänd ett ljus, by Triad

An a cappella number with finger-snapping? Tänd ett ljus (Light a Candle) sounds cheesy on paper. But in 1987, Swedish trio Triad created a multilayered, wall-of-sound-like version that progresses into a melody not too far from Do They Know It’s Christmas? Alas, despite topping the Swedish charts with their yuletide show-stopper in January 1988, Triad proved to be a one-hit wonder.

Romania: La Multi Ani, E Noaptea De Craciun, by Fuego

“Is it even Christmas if Fuego doesn’t drop those fire carols?” Romania’s official TikTok asked rhetorically last month. Fuego, the stage name of Paul Surugiu, is a Romanian pop singer who specialises in folk music and carols, known in Romania as colinde, and every year, he embarks on a national colinde tour. Our pick from his rich festive repertoire – meaning Happy Birthday, It’s Christmas – is a schmaltzy melodic pop song whose profound message is wishing everyone well for Christmas, even distant loved ones, while a table full of food awaits.

Germany: Holz, by 257ers

In 2016, Essen-based German rap group 257ers created a deadpan satire of the Christmas carol industrial complex. Holz (meaning Wood) builds on a bass-like vocal track that endlessly repeats the words “Ich und mein Holz, ich und mein Holz” (“My wood and I, my wood and I”). There’s no double entendre in the German – the nonsensical lyrics feature a wooden snowman and praise for the scent and flavour of fir trees. Its music video, which has accrued 54m views, features a bare block of wood being flogged on a TV shopping channel.

Denmark: Jul Det’ Cool, by MC Einar

Danish hip-hop group MC Einar’s 1988 hit Jul Det’ Cool (Christmas It’s Cool) is less dada and more lyrically dexterous in its anti-consumerism. According to lead singer Einar Enemark, the song was a “satirical counterpoint to the consumerist Christmas, where Danes eat and spend money so obscenely that depression follows once the festivities are over”. The song also contains a voiceover uttering: “Little Oyvnd, five, has been separated from his mother and can be picked up at customer service.”

Italy: Buon Natale, by Raffaella Carrà

Raffaella Carrà is best known for her upbeat odes to the joys of life: her biggest international hit, A Far l’Amore Comincia Tu (You Start Making Love First), is a call for women to make their lovers understand what they want in bed. But Carrà could also do sombre: in Buon Natale, which was debuted in 1984, she wishes “Merry Christmas” to a host of people and demographics who do not get to partake of the merriment: the sick, those stuck at work, those without love, and those bound to die alone. Its instrumentation, where keys are joined by drums and synth, leads to an anthemic refrain not too dissimilar to Michael Jackson’s Heal the World.

The Netherlands: Eenzame Kerst by André Hazes

There are sombre Christmas anthems – and there is this. Meaning Lonely Christmas, the song is performed from the perspective of a prisoner who stole money to give his children a good Christmas, only to find himself alone behind bars as his wife moves on. The intro samples Silent Night, which is also mentioned in the refrain as something he won’t get to hear his children sing. The track has a markedly pan-European feel, thanks to the overabundant use of the accordion.

Slovenia: Na božično noč, by Pop Design

Released in 1989 by Slovenian band Pop Design, Na božično noč (On Christmas Night) describes the recent snowfall that has coated the singer’s surroundings in white while the stars are twinkling, which does not assuage his anguish about being alone for Christmas. In the refrain, he relishes the heartwarming effect of wine, which is praised for staving off his malaise. Even though the Slovenian lyrics are Pop Design’s own, the melody comes from Australian-German duo the Window Speaks’s 1987 song Man of the World, which led to a lawsuit in 2010. The parties eventually settled and the song is now known as a cover.

Czech Republic: Sliby se maj plnit o Vánocích, by Janek Ledecký

Harmonica, guitar and fiddle create an Americana-adjacent backdrop for this 1993 Czech Christmas-themed song, whose title translates as Promises Should Be Fulfilled at Christmas. It is a reminiscence of a past love story, when the couple was 16 and skipped mass in favour of some alone time. When the two cross paths again, years later, they barely exchange a glance, but the memory remains strong. Another beloved Christmas-themed tune by Ledecký is Ryba rybě (The Fish Told the Fish).

Latvia: Eglīte by Līvi

In line with the Soviet doctrine of state atheism, public Christmas celebrations were broadly discouraged across the eastern bloc, with New Year’s Eve taking a more central role as the biggest festive day of the winter period. Latvian band Līvi’s Eglīte (“Fir Tree”) was originally entitled Vecgada Dziesma (“New Year’s Song”); lyrics about Christmas were swapped in after the fall of the iron curtain in the 1990s. Latvian lore has it that the song has existed since at least 1987, when the group wrote it in a stairwell and ad-libbed it to please some girls.Poland: Z kopyta kulig rwie, by Skaldowie

Released in 1969, this song is not really about Christmas but more of an ode to winter, praising the practice of kulig (sleigh ride parties) and also reminding listeners to dress appropriately for the Polish weather. The lyrics speak of men who wear tuxedos underneath their sheepskin coats. The artists behind this song are the Polish band Skaldowie, known in some corners of the internet as “the Polish Beatles”. Established in Kraków in 1965, they are known for incorporating prog, jazz, folk, and classical elements into their artistic output.

Hungary: Ajándék, by Piramis

Hungarian hard-rockers Piramis, established by bassist Som Lajos after seeing Black Sabbath perform in western Europe, are still one of the best-known acts in the country. At their peak, each of their albums sold more than 100,000 copies, and they toured with the likes of Steppenwolf and Mud. While more reminiscent of the intro to Live and Let Die than Let It Snow, their 1978 single Ajándék (“Present”) is a meditation on the meaning of gift-giving. It is a statement on artistic and expressive integrity, mentioning “an open path for the word”, “clear sounds for the song” and the concept of truth (igaznak). Definitely something to think about as you unwrap your 20th present!