Friend with benefits? Ask Prince Andrew | Alison Phillips

Here’s a festive quiz for all the family.

Is Prince Andrew:

a) Thicker than a fig pudding?

b) Greedier than Scrooge?

c) More puffed-up than grandad after a plate of sprouts? Or:

c) All of the above, plus a threat to national security who has cavorted with a suspected spy and a convicted paedophile, plus other ne’er do wells in his bid for cash and kudos?

Last week it emerged that a close friend he appointed his business adviser, and to whom he promised links to the heart of the royal family, was an alleged spy. And yet Andrew apparently regarded the “alleged spy” so highly that he was told by another adviser: “You sit at the very top of a tree that many, many people would like to be on.”

Anyway, so enamoured by his “alleged spy” pal was Andrew that he invited him to his 60th birthday. I feel certain MI5 is right now shaking down the prince to learn what he revealed to his contact, with whom Andrew claims to have severed ties after receiving advice from the government, with nothing of a sensitive nature ever discussed. Surely that’s what it would be doing to anyone else who’d been palling up to a man now deemed too dangerous to be let back into the UK?

Perhaps our agents can also quiz Andrew on who is stumping up the £3m he needs to stay in Royal Lodge, from where the king wanted him evicted earlier this year.

In a hilariously pompous press statement on Friday, Andrew’s spokesperson said: “He is unable to comment further on matters relating to national security.” Which is what he should have said to his Chinese friend.

A bird’s-eye view

If only Mablethorpe seal sanctuary ran the world. Volunteers there are caring for dozens of tiny little auk seabirds blown off course by Storm Darragh on their journey south. Chloe Drew, co-owner of the sanctuary, said: “The main care that we can give them – which is what is most important – is warmth, security and an unlimited amount of food.”

As this paper reported last week, more than 1 million older people in the UK, also in desperate need of warmth and food, are skipping meals because of money worries since losing their winter fuel allowance. Meanwhile, Nato boss Mark Rutte has said that without a commitment to 3% GDP defence spending, our security is at risk from an expansionist Russia. And police chiefs have been lining up to say how we’ll have even fewer officers on our streets keeping us safe next year.

“Most important” warmth, security and unlimited food are in short supply for many. We are all just little auks blown off course.

Not so sick after all

I generally refuse to write on demand. But my mum has been on. And on. She wants published the story of her experience with the NHS, having undergone a hip replacement at the Princess Alexandra hospital in Harlow, Essex, a fortnight ago. She wants people to know what it’s really like to be in the system so frequently labelled broken. It was, she says, “marvellous”.

“The nurses and doctors could not have been kinder – the care was incredible.” And for a woman who values cleanliness way in excess of godliness, it was “spotless”.

This year there have been around 600m interactions between patients and our NHS. Some will have been poor. Many others will have been “marvellous”. Next year we will see the government’s 10-year plan for reform of the NHS. But amid the fervour for reform and revolution, Wes Streeting would do well to champion the excellent work going on right now.

Post mortem

Thank God for the Royal Mail. Thank goodness it has failed so badly to deliver post on time that it was last week fined more than £10m – just a year after a £5m fine for failure. And what a relief regulator Ofcom has condemned the firm’s “insufficient and ineffective steps” to improve.

Now there is proof that no fault can be directed at me if friends and family don’t receive hastily scrawled Christmas cards until somewhere approaching twelfth night – if at all.