This is how we do it: ‘We make videos of ourselves having sex, to watch when we’re apart’ | Life and style

Amara, 51

The practicalities of making things work are certainly not easy, but I have no regrets

Mateo and I are divorcees with children from previous marriages, so our sex life requires careful scheduling. I am “bird-nesting” with my ex-husband: our children remain in the family home and we take turns living with them. In my child-free time, I live in the flat I share with Mateo. I think of those days in the flat as “sex days”.

Mateo and I have been together for two years, but we have a long history. We were together in our 20s and reconnected after bumping into one another in Spain on holiday. We began an affair, which ended our marriages. His kids don’t want to meet me, which I hope will change. Mateo often feels very down about his divorce and the situation with his children, but we are able to soothe one another.

We take turns playing the dominant role in bed. The one who is feeling more in need of being taken care of will say, “Do you want to play with me?”, and the other will take full control. The one being played with will put on a sleeping mask, which opens up the senses.

It’s a world away from my relationship with my ex. I would try to initiate sex, but he would turn down my advances. I often fell asleep crying. I tried to tell him I wanted more affection, but he wouldn’t even hold my hand. He never gave me an answer as to why he couldn’t give that to me. Looking back, I got together with him because I wanted children, but I never really felt loved by him.

My relationship with Mateo is not guilt-free, and the practicalities of making things work are not easy, but I have no regrets. When you approach your 50s, you look back and think, what were the significant relationships in my life? For me it was always only Mateo. The sex is erotic, but there is also a comfort and security we find in the bedroom, which I have never experienced before. It’s different from the sex we had in our 20s. Sex with Mateo is like talking: we’re communicating and getting closer with our bodies.

Mateo, 49

After a few months of sneaking around with Amara, I told my wife our marriage was over

When I bumped into Amara in Spain, my feelings for her came flooding right back. I was young and stupid when Amara and I broke up in our 20s. I always regretted losing her.

My obligation to my wife and children weighed heavily on me when the affair really took hold. Amara and I started going to hotels, and the secrecy of it felt cheap – but the sex also felt deeply connected.

After a few months of sneaking around with Amara, I told my wife our marriage was over. She didn’t take it well. She built up a narrative that I was going through a midlife crisis and Amara took advantage of me. I think she couldn’t face the truth – that I had fallen in love with Amara again.

Amara and I now share a flat, but she goes back to her family home every other week. We hate being apart and have recorded ourselves having sex, so that we can watch videos when we’re not together. When we are together, we sometimes go to bed at 8.30pm to maximise the time.

The logistics of childcare do cause conflict. The children are not keen to meet Amara. I want them to see a loving relationship and to know that sometimes it’s worth taking risks, because love is a wonderful thing.

I was in my early 30s when I met my now ex-wife. I thought, OK, I am going to be a grownup now and start a family, but I rushed into it.

I had to ask Amara to leave our flat recently, because my children were coming, which I can imagine was difficult for her. Thankfully, we are able to navigate obstacles. In many ways, we find resolution in bed. Sometimes, with the stress of my separation, I submit to Amara by lying on my back, and inviting her to have her way with me. When we were in our 20s sex was fun, but now it is the way we take care of each other.