I can afford my life. Why can’t I be less anxious about money? | Well actually

Being self-employed, I am familiar with my bank account’s ebbs and flows: the relief of invoices being paid, the dismay as bills drain it again. My vigilance, frequently verging on anxiety, never goes away.

What I find in my bank app has the power to influence my day, and whether I feel a lightness of step or a cloud overhead.

Food and energy prices have gone up; salaries and rates have not. Few people would say they’re not feeling the squeeze, especially at this time of year. Every festive invitation seems to have a price tag attached – and I never feel more confused about needs versus wants than when bombarded with holiday sale emails.

At the same time, my worries about money aren’t entirely rooted in reality. I may not have a salary and benefits, or a partner to split the bills, but in other ways I am on steady ground: I own my home, my overheads are low and I have savings.

Relative to many others, I am in a good position. So why do I struggle to believe it?

The truth is, money is never just about dollars or pounds, says Elizabeth Husserl, a registered investment adviser and author of The Power of Enough: Finding Joy in Your Relationship with Money.

“Money is very personal, and so is our experience of it,” she says over Zoom. “The same amount can mean different things for different people, based on lifestyles, choices and desires.”

Rising prices and tighter margins trigger feelings of discomfort and anxiety, causing us to focus on making more money as a means of escape. Husserl calls this the “abundance-scarcity cycle”.

While understandable, this fixation on earning or saving can start to “encroach on other aspects of life that bring us wellbeing”, Husserl says. We might work to the detriment of our health, or neglect our relationships in favour of chasing some imagined future point where money won’t be a concern.

Financial health does “create a really important baseline”, says Husserl. Not being able to cover the essentials of living causes stress and existential instability; there is also a well-documented association between being in financial difficulty and struggling with mental health.

Our relationship with money can take a psychological toll, and it’s important to take steps to protect our wellbeing, even amid real and urgent financial difficulties.

There are only so many hours a day that you can spend applying for jobs or scrutinising your bank balance, Husserl points out – but by making time to meet your other needs, such as for connection, you might find work opportunities or offers of support.

On the flipside, people who are in a relatively stable position can become fixated on their financial position, at the expense of their wellbeing, says Husserl: “It’s a question of what’s a perceived fear versus a real fear … we can find that right alignment.”

At its worst, the abundance-scarcity cycle can drive people to think that no amount of money will ever be enough, Husserl says. “Then you look back and you’re like: ‘Well, that wasn’t fun – how much I worked, and how much I sacrificed.”

Some people spend their entire lives saving and die before they can enjoy the rewards, Husserl says. Others retire and learn that they have no clue how to find fulfilment outside of work, and “have a huge identity crisis”, she says.

Fixating on financial security can actually distract us from getting to know ourselves or acknowledging unmet needs – for intimacy, say, or purpose. “Sometimes we just throw money at problems to not feel the shame,” says Husserl.

Much retail therapy is driven by people wanting to have something to show for long hours at work or to make their stressful job feel worth it – but even a large salary won’t necessarily make up for toiling indefinitely in a job you hate, says Husserl: “That is a great example of how we scapegoat money.”

Likewise, security can also take the form of strong relationships or robust physical health – both easily neglected in the pursuit of bigger savings or a better lifestyle.

By acknowledging the emotional impulses behind our spending and saving, we can not only better manage our finances, but also understand how to feel more satisfied with what we have, Husserl says.

One of her clients was over-spending on dates, but feeling ground down by the experience. After recognising that he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, he chose to give dating a break and spend instead on a regular massage, meeting his need for physical touch.

And while cutting out coffee is often put forward as an easy way to make savings, if trips to your local cafe are an important source of social connection, belonging or community, that expenditure might be worthwhile.

As crucial as it is to have a financial plan and ensure our baseline commitments are met, money “can’t be our only sense of security”, says Husserl. “We have to stop the goalposts and say: ‘Why do I keep moving them?’”

Husserl’s goal with clients is to create a conscious relationship with money that allows for ease and even joy. “We’re looking for a sustainable path towards earning, spending, investing and enjoying your life,” she says.

This includes broadening our definition of wealth, says Husserl. Money can be such a charged subject because it is wrapped up in our understanding of self-worth.

While it’s trite to say that happiness can’t be bought, money can act as a mirror, Husserl says, drawing our attention to the areas in which we feel our lives are lacking. “Wealth is living a life of meaning,” she says. “That’s actually what we’re all craving.”

She suggests starting by imagining or journaling a conversation with money, addressing it as you would a person, and taking note of any thoughts and feelings that emerge: is the emotional tenor grasping, fearful, resentful, awed?

To break the habits of what Husserl calls “scarcity brain”, it’s also beneficial to slow down – both before spending, and in savouring experiences.

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This helps us to know what sort of expenditure brings us value, and where we might be able to make savings, Husserl says: “You start to separate what’s an obligation, and what feels like something you want to do.”

One way to feel satisfied with what you have is by attuning to the real “richness of life”, says Husserl.

Through the festive period, that might mean prioritising spending on travel for quality time with friends and family, rather than panic-buying gifts. If you’re feeling restless in your job, plan for the coming year instead of shopping to fill the void.

Talking to Husserl clarifies some of my thinking about finances, shifting the needle from anxiety about holiday expenses towards acceptance – and even a flicker of anticipation. While my outgoings this month will inevitably be high, I’m reminded that’s typical of this time of year; I feel both more confident in my ability to recover, and more connected to my broader financial goals.

That clarity does help to alleviate my guilt about continually reaching for my credit card, and simultaneously steels me against overindulging in seasonal sales. Having taken a clear-eyed look at my finances, I find myself with a renewed sense of gratitude. My bank app might not bring glad tidings – but, in other ways, I do feel rich.